Emotions are tricky things.. they can make you feel completely justified in a behavior. It can be hard to look at yourself and your actions with an objective or critical eye.. but if you don't, you may never see what others do and you could be missing out on many opportunities to learn something about yourself.
It is easy to understand that though we don't control the emotions we feel, we do control our responses or reaction to those emotions. Easy concept to grasp, more difficult to really live. See all that responsibility is empowering, but it is also responsibility, and that can be cumbersome! I guess it is about finding the balance.
Today I had a conversation with a friend that gave me an opportunity to put this concept into practice. It may have been less than fun, close to painful. I was very unwilling to consider this friends point of view regarding my behavior and the motivation behind it. I got to the point where I was so irritated I flat out said, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm done with this conversation. I was taking what was being said so personal. I was getting mad. My face was getting hot, I felt like crying, my feelings were hurt and I was blaming him.
Moments after I decided I didn't want to talk about it anymore, I realized my reaction to this conversation was the same reaction that caused the behavior in question. I became aware of the physiological changes that were manifesting.. The flushed face, increased heartbeat etc.
I thought to myself, If I wasn't having this reaction and I was only thinking logically...and being honest with myself...I could look at this conversation from a non emotional perspective, if I read this conversation like its two people talking, and I'm not one of them...then the things I'm saying are irrational. They are emotional and not based on anything but emotion, and injured pride. Feelings. Which is exactly what I had done in the situation that was being discussed!
I instantly felt so much better. Those injured feelings went away. I wasn't upset, or embarrassed, or hurt. I was no longer taking it personal, it wasn't an attack. See, the "ego" though in some ways we may think protects us...can really hurt us. The "ego" thinks everything is about us... our rights, our feelings, our desires.. self!self!self! This manifests itself in various ways... That persons dirty look is for me, That person is attacking me personally...but its not all about us. Sometimes, none of it is about us! It is hard to re-train yourself, it is a lot of work because you have to essentially re-learn all the processes that you were taught throughout your entire life. Your thought process, your reaction process. I am 31 years old and I've been reaction and responding to my emotions my whole life. Not only that, I've been told by society and the media and nearly all of the people in my life (by example if not in words) that this is the way it is, that this is ok, even that this is justifiably right and out of our control!
THIS IS WRONG. I AM WRONG. THEY ARE WRONG. IT IS ALL WRONG.
And I know this will be a process I work on for the rest of my life. I know that because I literally began this process of understanding almost five years ago, and I'm still struggling every day to fight against the easiest way to be... naturally emotional. I realize that though it may be easiest to just feel what I feel and let my emotions direct me. It makes my life so much harder! Right now, I'm going to focus on getting the tools I need to reconstruct my thinking. To knock down and kill this ego. To re-frame my thinking. I know how it works, I've done it before with other characteristics that held me back. For now.. my first step was to immediately contact my friend and let him know that I understood. Sometimes it feels great to say you were wrong, because hey... once you know you're wrong.. you're on your way to being right! Now, I've got some serious reading to do...eyes wide open.
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